Researcher: Lying is prevalent

Researcher: Lying is prevalent
(November 2009 Issue)

We teach children to tell the truth. We demand it from political leaders, although we're not surprised when we don't always get it. We hold colleagues, partners, friends and family members to the highest standards of honesty.

Even with this vigilance, apparently everyone around us is lying ...all the time. What's worse is that we are lying back.

According to Robert S. Feldman, Ph.D., professor of psychology and dean of the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences at University of Massachusetts Amherst, lying is far more prevalent in our culture than we realize. And, it can be nearly impossible to identify who is lying or who is telling the truth.

Feldman has spent the past quarter century studying lying and deception. Through his research, he has discovered how much we deceive each other and how difficult it can be to keep oneself from the occasional fib. He spoke with New England Psychologist's Catherine Robertson Souter about his work, and his new book on the subject, "The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships."

Q: How did you get involved in this subject?
A: I came of age during the Watergate period and it fascinated me how someone in high public office could lie so easily and expect to get away with it. When I was in graduate school, I began to be interested in how or whether we could tell if someone was being deceptive from their nonverbal behavior. I did a series of studies and found that people are just not very good at detecting deception from nonverbal cues. In most cases, you might as well flip a coin in determining if someone is being truthful or not.

This made me wonder if this was due to the fact that people do not lie that much so we are not exposed to it enough to identify it. So we did some research on how often people lie and in what circumstances.

Q: What did you find?
A: We found that lying is very prevalent to some degree. One of the major findings in my research was that two people who are just getting acquainted lie on average three times in a 10 minute conversation. This struck me as startling - you don't usually assume there is that much deception.

Q: How do you define "lying?"
A: I define it as any deviation from reality.

In the research, we also had people define the lies themselves, identify them. We would get two unacquainted people to come in to the lab, tell them to get to know each other and secretly videotaped them. At end of 10 minutes, we asked each person to watch the conversation and identify any time he said something not accurate. Most of them said at first that they had been totally honest or truthful but time after time, they were surprised to see how many instances they said something that was not true. A lot of times these were inaccuracies or lies that were very minor, what people tend to call white lies - but they were lies nonetheless.

Q: How are white lies harmful?
A: I think they are in some ways just as dangerous as larger lies. By themselves, white lies can produce interactions that are less intimate and personal. Cumulatively, they create an environment of deception that enhances the probability of larger lies being committed.

Q: In your new book, what do you recommend to people about lies?
A: The general rule should be "do not lie and demand truth from others." Being as honest as you can is not easy. We often want people to tell us what we want to hear: "You did a good job on that presentation;" "No, you don't look like you are putting on weight;" "Yes, your new tie looks good."

A conspiracy grows between people. There is a total willingness to accept those lies. If you want to know the truth, you must actively engage other people. If you ask someone if you look good in a new dress, tell them that they really need to tell the truth. Otherwise, you get a reflective, "you look great."

At the same time, you have to be honest with others. Now, there are ways to do this without insulting people. You can say, "I like the color but not sure the style is the most flattering." Be careful in how you couch things because we also found that we really don't like those people who are totally blunt and insist on telling us all our failings.

Q: At what point do we lie because it is easier, not designed to harm anyone?
A: A big part of every day lies are really just for smoothing social situations. When someone asks how you are, they don't want to hear every ache and pain, "I'm fine except for this problem I've been having..." They don't want to know the details all the time. But I think there may be a way of being accurate without embellishing and actually lying.

Q: Do men and women lie equally?
A: The research shows that men and women lie about the same amount, although about different things. Women are more likely to lie in a way that will make the other person feel good about themselves: "You look good," or "I loved that movie, too." Men are more likely to lie in ways that make themselves look better: "I played this sport in college" or "I just got a big raise." They are more self-aggrandizing kinds of lies.

Q: What follow up studies are you conducting?
A: We're looking at lying on the Internet. From what we have seen, I would say that the rate of deception is higher online. It's very easy to present yourself in ways other than you really are. There is less of a sense of responsibility to be honest.

Q: What do you see as the "take home message" here for a psychologist?
A: My perception is that a major goal of therapy is to get the client to understand themselves better and who they are. The patient needs to understand that they are getting feedback that is not accurate. They really need to be active in seeking out the truth from other people so that they can better understand themselves.

Q: After looking at this for years, do you feel that you are more capable of detecting lies in others?
A: No, but maybe I'm more skeptical. I pay more attention to other people but I am not necessarily better at detecting deception. I have learned to doubt my own intuitions and doubt what I hear. Even when I think someone is lying, I am never very confident about my judgment because I know there are so many ways it can be wrong.

Q: It seems like a lot of work and that it could lead to feeling isolated. How about the old adage that ignorance is more blissful?
A: We'd certainly feel better. That's the liar's advantage. We get away with lies because people are predisposed to believe positive information about themselves. But, the danger is that we could end up living lives that are no longer in touch with reality.